Paul (Snack + Jayden Smiths)

Definitely one of the strongest Week 1 starting lineups, and when you start off with CMC and Kelce it’s hard to expect anything less. Aiyuk ought to be a good WR1 now that his holdout is resolved, and I like Zay Flowers more than most of the other receivers in that round. Most of the second-half picks aren’t really doing it for me though. Musgrave and Washington were probably unnecessary with Kelce and Dallas already on the team; another depth RB or two would have made sense. I don't know who the fuck Jaylen Wright is, but when I said that about a guy in last year’s draft recap, it turned out to be Puka Nacua. 

Best Pick: Jaxon Smith-Njigba (11.1) could see WR2-level upside as he was quite good as a rookie last year and the Seahawks should get a buff from their new OC.

Best Name: It's very obviously Dicker the Kicker, you couldn’t have expected anything else. Ok maybe it’s The Commies. Nah it’s Dicker all the way.

Grade: The superstars will carry this one. B

Chris (The Spice Hurts My IBS)

Autopick did not screw this team. Achane as RB1 seems a little questionable but his rookie season reminded me of Alvin Kamara’s on crack: 7.8 yards per carry are Madden numbers. I probably wouldn’t have went for Brock Bowers in the 9th round after having already gotten David Njoku in the 8th, but it was also partially done to mess with Collin, which was very funny.

Best Pick: Jameson Williams (13.2) - An appropriate selection for a Hennessy? I don’t remember if this one was an autopick, but the Lions are going to be good again, and Jamo is almost certainly going to be their WR2 behind Amon-Ra, as well as the primary target on shot plays (the booze puns are flowing). Honorable mention to Josh Palmer (14.11) who is in line for a lot of work without Keenan Allen and Mike Williams in the way.

Best Name: Rome “Wasn’t Built In” Odunze. If you hate that pun, don’t worry, I ripped it off someone else. 

Grade: Pretty good balance despite (because of?) the autopicks. B

Connor (Oops All Boners)

Nobody went full-on zero-RB this year but this team is the closest with Isiah Pacheco (3.3) as the sole RB selected within the first 7 rounds. Normally I wouldn’t advocate for having three Panthers on your team but between Brooks and Hubbard, someone has to pull the starting job out of that dumpster fire. Reminds me of that year the Jags were in total RB chaos and we got James Robinson’s rookie year out of it. And, Legette is just a high-upside lottery ticket. Finally, the Kyler Murray/Tre McBride combo is gonna fuck hard. Keep your eyes out for my erotic Cardinals fanfiction dropping soon. 

Best Pick: Terry McLaurin (6.10) is like this generation’s Stevie Johnson: he just quietly gets 1000 yards every year and nobody seems to notice or care. The potential to blow up is there if Jayden Daniels (who is also on this team) is good.

Best Name: Carson Steele sounds like the male lead in a romance novel. I should get him to be the cover model for my fanfiction.

Grade: It’s just…really good. A 

Sean (New Berlin Nachos)

Ahhhhh you picked the wrong backup kicker in the 15th round your draft is fucking RUINED

Actually, I’m liking this more the longer I look at it. Olave/Deebo/Devonta is probably a top-2 starting WR group in the league. Kyle Pitts finally has a real QB and a coach that (hopefully) knows how football works. Josh Jacobs in the first is fine, I was gonna take him at 2.3 if he was available, so he wasn’t going to come back around. “vAlUe BaSeD dRaFtInG” doesn’t mean crap if you don’t get your guys. That said though, the QBs that went in rounds 5-7 are surer bets than Rodgers. The thing is, he’s just very fucking old.

Best Pick: Gus Edwards (11.4) is in a weird and crowded RB room but IMO he’s the best guy in it. Chargers are kind of up in the air this year, but if they’re decent-to-good, then Gus could be legit steal-of-the-draft material (his Steal Score was 11%, for what it’s worth).

Best Name: Alex from Hale. If you know you know, heheh

Grade: This roster will win games but RB depth seems problematic as it stands. C 

John (3 Breen Salad)*

HAIL THE SUN GOD, my favorite fantasy WR this year. Absolute picture of consistency. James Conner probably would have made more sense at 5.5 than taking Tank Dell as WR4, but that’s the only thing that seems off to me. Could have been an autopick. In general the RB2 situation here is a little scuffed but I think something good can be cobbled together with Rhamondre and Spears. If this team gets off to a hot start, Nick Chubb coming off of IR could launch it into the finals. (Psst, nobody remind him to stash Chubb on IR)

*not yet, but he names his team this every year, so

Best Pick: Cole Kmet (14.8) as the last TE1 anyone took. Again, not sure if this was one of the autopicks but he will benefit from the presence of Caleb Williams (who is also on this team), as well as the Bears’ revamped WR room stretching the field out.

Best Name: J. Moody, which is coincidentally also the name of my mumble rap project. 

Grade: If Chubb makes a comeback, A. For now, B+

Jen (Waupackers)

Our last champion not named Emil returns for her first full season since 2021, after barely missing the playoffs with Erik's 0-5 scraps in 2023 (sounds kinda familiar). 

Blow-up potential is big here: this is textbook “draft for this year’s stats, not last year’s”. Bijan is ready to be unleashed from the shackles of Arthur Smith. Anthony Richardson has the potential to be an all-time great fantasy QB if he can stay healthy. And the WR corps consists of the two highest-ADP rookie receivers of all time, Marvin Harrison Jr. and Malik Nabers. All of this is anchored by Sam LaPorta who was my personal top TE going into the draft. There’s gonna be some bye week hell in Week 11 but that’s, like, forever away.

Best Pick: Raheem Mostert (7.6) who I think is better than most of the RBs that went in round 6.

Best Name: John Christian Kaʻiminoeauloamekaʻikeokekumupaʻa Fairbairn 

Grade: I’d like it even more without the backup kicker and defense, but as-is, A-

Austin (Purdy White Christians)

Good value picks all around, particularly Brock Purdy and all of the depth WRs -- I had my eye on Adonai Mitchell late. I think rumors of Derrick Henry’s demise have been greatly exaggerated, especially since he won’t have to be the entire offense on the Ravens. Although, I wouldn’t expect him to ever approach 2000 yards again either. Rachaad White is another guy here I like, because I’ve seen him getting constantly dissed on r/fantasyfootball, and the average sports Redditor is a fucking dumbass. Kincaid could have a legit TE1 ceiling based on target volume alone, since the Bills got rid of Stefon Diggs and Gabe Davis. 

Best Pick: Jaylen Warren (9.7) had almost the same yards from scrimmage as Najee Harris (6.2) last year, with 70 fewer touches.  

Best Name: Gotta be Younghoe Koo, a classic of juvenile humour (with a U, we keep it classy here)

Grade: Reminder that I am an average sports Redditor. B+

Alec (➡️⬅️↙️⬇️↘️➡️+1)

Good stuff, Jefferson probably should have gone top 5 and Kyren probably should have gone round 1 (says the guy who could have drafted Kyren twice and didn’t). If there’s a legitimate criticism here it’s not the selection of Aaron Jones for fandom-based reasons (*spits on the ground*), but rather the selection of a second Viking within the starting lineup, when the Vikings figure to be kind of ass this year. 

Best Pick: Brian Thomas (11.8) could very well be the WR1 on an improving Jags team. He was at the top of my queue for that round so good job on the snipe but also fuck you

Best Name: I got nothing so here’s a 2nd Best Pick: Chris Godwin (7.8) is going back to being a slot receiver which he was during his best season in 2019.

Grade: Aaron Jones deserves those poop emojis but this team does not. B+

Collin (John Luck Pickerds)

Wait a second

I have some difference in preference when it comes to the WR selections (Metcalf, Cooper) vs. who was available (Flowers, Higgins), and it turned out that Jalen Hurts (4.4) would have probably been available at 5.9, so that could be called a reach. Really though, the only weakness here is probably Dalton Schultz as the sole TE. Hopefully Hurts and the Eagles don’t immediately start shitting themselves like they did during the second half of last season.

Best Pick: Chase Brown (11.9) came on strong late last year and was at the top of my queue after Alec took Brian Thomas lol 

Best Name: These guys are boring too so 2nd Best Pick again: Ray Davis (13.9) because I wanted him to go with James Cook :( 

Grade: I hate that I have to play against this twice. A

Jon (Stroud Nine)

Ah, Brayden Narveson - now that’s a kicker. Pay no mind that none of us knew who the hell he was last week.

Honestly, as a whole, not my finest work. I kind of kept getting stuck in all the positional dead zones early on: I don’t really love any of my first four picks (AJB, Puka, Cook, Kamara), but I’m hopeful they’ll form a good floor for the team. I am pretty satisfied with my depth RBs, though, since (1) Jerome Ford is Cleveland’s RB1 with Chubb out, (2) Rico Dowdle is Dallas’ only back who isn’t 100 years old in RB years, and (3) the Jets are an organizational nightmare so anything could happen with Braelon Allen.

Best Pick: Keenan Allen (9.10) is objectively the correct answer but fuck the Bears so let’s go with Khalil Shakir (11.10) (see note about Dalton Kincaid in Austin’s write-up)

Best Name: 1890s circus performer Ladd McConkey

Grade: I am whelmed. B-

Ben (Justin Tucker and Others)

This team has a high ceiling but a low floor IMO. If JT and Stefon Diggs have bounce-back seasons, then everything should work out great. Otherwise I’m not sure about needing to rely on the likes of Najee Harris and Trey Benson. George Kittle always seems to be one of those guys that gets single digits most weeks then has multi-touchdown outbursts, usually against me and/or the Packers. I guess that works out since Ben and I match up twice. 

Best Pick: Rob Gronkowski (16.2) who, as a retired player, isn’t on FantasyPros at all, and therefore caused my spreadsheet to return the coveted Steal Score of negative infinity%.

I never said it had to be the best pick for actual gameplay reasons.

Best Name: Xavier Worthy. Hopefully KC won't just play him in the slot, because he's X-worthy.

Grade: Meme picks are fun, but they’re still meme picks. C

Emil (xHeavyIsTheCrownx)

Yeah I guess anything'll start feeling heavy when you're wearing it for 2 years straight huh

The defending champ is on the quest for the three-peat and the league’s first “Grand Slam” title. Starting lineup looks great, but it’s a definite “studs and duds” approach, especially with just 3 RBs on the roster. Personally, I'm interested to see if Taysom Hill’s dual eligibility leads to weird shenanigans this season, though he might not see any play on this roster as it stands. Missed opportunity to not draft the Seahawks defense in the 8th. 

Best Pick: Lamark Jandrews (3.12 and 4.1), because if you’re gonna go for early QB/TE strats, you might as well lock up one of the best stacks around.

Best Name: Tuanigamanuolepola Donny Tagovailoa ("Donny" was news to me too here)

Grade: Players aren’t bad but positional ratios are out of whack IMO. C+. But also he’s won twice in a row so fuck me, basically